Stoughton, Massachusetts...any questions?
Those Danny Lewin hanging guns really motivated me to start writing again. I haven't seen that much skin from MC Lewin since he was hanging from a lightpost on Marhsall St. after Syracuse (aka Priceton University) made it to the NCAA final in 1996.
Anyways, before I get to my latest missive, wanted to let the masses know that I'm moving back to God's Country: The South Shore. In early July I will once again be appearing at the area's hotspots being seen with the beautiful people.
I have spent the last three years in New York and Connecticut and have enjoyed every moment but it is time to answer the call of duty. For today's posting I figured that I would do what all lazy writers do at some point: Make a list.
Reasons to Move Back to the Hockomock League:
The Brockton Mall - This spot would have been warmed for the Tri-Town Mall (aka Cobb Corner Mall) but they tore it down and paid no homage to the shamrock in the middle. Before the explosion of the Massachusetts Mega Malls (South Shore Plaza expansion, Emerald Square Mall, Silvercity, et al), The Brockton Mall (the "BM") was the center of the universe. It was one part Guns and Roses and two parts NWA. BM introduced scores of people to Putt Putt, Orange Julius, Grand Theft Auto, the word felony, and the Tobaccionist. It still stands the test of time and demands a place on this list because I still get kind of scared when I walk down the main hall of the BM trying to get to the Gap.
Chemung Hill - I don't see a scenario where I will ever sled down this again but anytime I am in the swanky Chemung district of Stoughton, I like to gaze at the size and majesty of the hill and think to myself, "At one point in my life, this is the highest point I ever stood." CK i'm sure can expand on this and give a cogent reason why they lined the hill with hideous bushes in the early 1990s.
Denino's Pizza - There is no place in the world that can make a skinnier pizza than Denino's. The pizza is the width of cray paper and tastes like notebook paper. However, I miss it for no other reason than its underdog status in the world of Stoughton Pizza hierarchy.. You never mention Denino's in the same breath as the Town Spa, Chuck and Cheese, and Friendly's Pizza and it's a damn shame.
NESBA Finals - Now that i'm back in Massachusetts, I will be able to take the family to the NESBA finals and enjoy athleticism in its rawest form. NESBA is the New England Scholastic Band Association and they put on the must see marching band finals. NESBA is to New England as NASCAR is to the Confederate States.
Route 138 - Used car lots, check. Food options galore, check. Hilliards House of Candy, check. Four hundred Tedeschi's markets, check times 400. Alex's, check please.
Stoughton Center at Rush Hour - Having survived living in downtown New York City and Beacon Hill, I can honestly say that both of those locales can't hold a candle to the traffic issues that Stoughton Center pose at rush hour. There are moments when driving blindfolded through the center are a better option than trying to figure out when to sneak into the center without getting rear ended by some parent driving their kid to STOYAC practice.
IKEA - Shockingly, after the dirty bookstore controversy in the 80s, the opening of the IKEA store may be the biggest thing to hit Stoughton/Avon ever. I was there this past weekend and had the 50 cent hotdog after buying furniture. Needless to say, it's 50 cents i'll never get back (and potential intestine problems to boot).
Chinatown - I'm on record stating that Chinatown has the most well lit Chinese restaurant in the world. Usually chinese restaurants are so dimly lit so that the customers can't see the cockroaches. However, Chinatown is so well lit that it could stage dental cleanings as well. Looking forward to some crab rangoons in the fall.
3-fer Thursday (WZLX) - I don't think i've heard the long version of Layla since the last time I heard 3-fer Thursday. It warms my heart to think that i'm a month away from a Frampton 3-fer.
Potentially Driving Behind CK - CK is the slowest driver on earth. Rickshaws, Segways, Horsedrawn Carriages and Running are faster forms of transportation than CK behind the wheel. The only reason this is a reason to move back is b/c the Hockomock area is a safer place because of Right Lane Kane.
Ponky-Ponkapoag is the crappiest golf course in America (was actually deemed this in a Sports Illustrated in the 1980s). However, it still is worthy of one round per year for no other reason than it helps you work on your escape shots while you are in the fairway (and the greens). My cousin Buc actually witnessed a police chase at Ponky during a round of golf. The place is one of a kind. Speaking of which....
Canton Viaduct - I wish it was an acquaduct.
Dunkin Donuts - Let's face facts. Although D's has infiltrated all of New England and New York, the strength of its operation lies in the greater Boston area. In Stoughton/Canton alone, you don't have to drive more than 3 miles in any direction without ramming into a D's. Upon my return, I will successfully hit all 3,209 Dunkins in Stoughton.
The Artist Formerly Known as the Stoughton Diner - I have no idea what it is currently called right now. I'm dying to find out what new idea is awaiting me at the site of the old Diner. I think everything has been tried except for dinner theatre.
Veteran's/Fourth of July Day Parade - Always a patriotic day in Stoughton when our country's finest march through throngs of people dawning the Red, White and Blue. Of course, the event wouldn't be complete without trying to find the trumpet player while they play Taps (and hoping they don't miss a note in the process).
Good day.