CK's Injury Journal

Age 9 - Dislocated finger. I was horsing around with Bill downstairs and all of a sudden he stopped hitting me and stared at my finger. I looked down and my pinky was bent inside-out at a 90 degree angle from the knuckle down. It was pointing straight up! Thinking quickly, Bill just grabbed it and snapped it back into place.

Age 4-15 - Mental anguish. Being the youngest, Bill and Mike always beat me up. Here are a few highlights that could have been the root cause of my bed wetting into my late teens…

• "Trashtranaut" - Bill and Mike took a trash can and a rope. They split one end of the rope and tied it to the handles of the trashcan. They put Bill's football helmet on me, put me in the trashcan, hoisted the other end of the rope over a tree branch about 30 feet in the air, hoisted me up in the trashcan, tied the rope to a fence and left me there.

• "Stuntman" - Bill and Mike always told me I was a stuntman so I would go along with their stupid ideas. One time they brought me to the top of a very hilly street, put me on my big wheel, put Bill's football helmet on me, and started pushing me (one brother on each shoulder) down the hill as fast as they could. I started out OK at the top, but as I gained speed, I couldn't move my feet fast enough to keep them on the pedals, so I put them out to the side. I began losing control and the front wheel turned all the way, hoisting me into a head-to-toe snowball, skidding my knees and elbows along the concrete. As I lay there bloody and battered, I looked up the hill to see Bill and Mike running down as fast as they could, cheering. When I began to cry, they told me the primary rules about being a stuntman: "Stuntmen don't cry and Stuntmen don't tell mom."

• "Puppet" - One of my favorite stuffed animals growing up was a puppet of a little dog I got in an Easter Basket one year. It was great; I could walk around and do little skits. Anyway, Bill and Mike took it from me and went outside, stuffed it in an empty mustard jar they found in the trash, took it out and rubbed it in dirt, and then tied it on a string to the back of their bike and rode around the neighborhood with it flopping around all over the ground.

• "Karate Joe" - Mike had one of those mini wooden souvenir baseball bats he got a Red Sox game. He used to pin me down and hit me on all the worst places you just wouldn't want to be hit with a mini bat -- shins, ankle bones, knees, and those bones on the inside of your elbows.

• "Rainman" - It was pouring rain outside and Mike and I were fighting. He pinned me down and wrapped me up head to toe in masking tape. He must have gone through three rolls of the stuff. He then put one piece of tape from my big toe to my nose, threw me outside in the rain and told me that if that piece came off, he'd beat the crap out of me. Every time I moved, it would get a little looser, so I just had to sit there in the rain until he got bored watching me from the window.

• "HurriKane" - It was 1985 during Hurricane Gloria. It was crazy wind and rain outside and all the weathermen were advising people to go into their basements. Mike and Bill told me that if I went outside and tied myself to a tree with a rope, I'd begin floating into the sky like a kite and I'd be able to see everything from up above. So, I went out there and tied myself to a big pine tree and started jumping up and down, expecting to float into the heavens. They were in the house looking out the window at me laughing. My mother saw me out there and yelled "Billy, Michael - GET HIM IN HERE!!!" Needless to say, I didn't fly.

• "9-volt" - When I was fighting with Mike, he'd tell me to stick out my tongue. Then he'd put a 9-volt battery on it, giving me a shock and making my mouth taste like it was filled with pennies.

• "Raffle" - Every year when we were kids, Mike would organize a carnival in our back yard to try to raise money for the Jerry Lewis Telethon. It was a really great idea, but we'd have such low-budget games. We buried Folgers cans to create a miniature golf course. We made a wrestling ring out of string and sticks and had a big match - Davie O'Neil and Chris Kane against Bill Kane. We made up ridiculous "Twilight Zone" stories and tape-recorded them and charged money for people to listen to them in our dark shed. Anyway, the biggest draw was our "HUGE RAFFLE". Mike always organized a HUGE RAFFLE, but never planned what the prize would be. The day of the carnival, he would pull me aside and talk to me about how great a cause Jerry's telethon was. Then he would tell me to think about all those sick kids we were helping. Then he would tell me how the raffle is going to raise so much money for those sick kids. Then he would ask me if I'd give him my bike as the raffle prize!!! So, reluctantly, I agreed. In a matter of minutes, my shiny orange banana-seated bike was hoisted on top of the rim of the basketball hoop with a big sign "RAFFLE PRIZE". Luckily my mother stepped in and yelled at Mike, so I got my bike back. Apologies to the winner who ended up with a ten-pack of pencils and a used Hardy Boys book.

• The Mall - We had a mall in walking distance to our house growing up. When I was too young to go on my own, I'd try to tag along with Bill. When I was about 8 years old, he finally took me with him and his buddies. I felt like one of the gang! What a great big brother! I only found out later my mother made him take me. That explains why he made me walk 10 feet behind him at all times. He was ashamed to be seen with me, but I still had fun watching him shop.

• Fun at The Movies - When I was about 10, Bill took me to go see a movie with him at night. I was so excited. Unfortunately, he never mentioned that it was rated R, one of the scariest movies of all time, and we didn't have a ride home. After the movie, we walked about 5 miles home in pitch dark. I was terrified, cold, and shivering. But Bill took hold of the situation and taught me how to hitchhike. When we got home, BK snored all night while I sat there looking at his felt poster of the grim reaper that was hung up above his bed.

• The Junior High School Dance - The worst time of my life was when Mike had his license and I didn't. Therefore, I had to depend on him for rides to places. He once drove me and my friend to the 8th grade dance. The doors opened at 8:00 and there was a crowd of people standing outside waiting for the doors to open. About 300 yards from the school, Mike started laying on the horn so the whole 8th grade class would notice our entrance. He pulled his wood paneled station wagon in front of the school and let us out. All my classmates were staring at me. As if I wasn't embarrassed enough, Mike rolled down the window and screamed out at me "What time do you want me have Ma pick you up?".

• Stitch - Another time, when I was about 13, Bill took me to go play football with all his high school buddies down at the school field. On the first play, BK wiped out and landed on his head, cutting it open. Although he'd already given me plenty of illegal driving lessons in the empty mall parking lot, I couldn't drive legally, so I had to sit in the passenger seat and hold his cut together with my fingers while he drove home and complained about being dizzy.

Age 7 - Bill and I were downstairs playing Atari. He told me he would "time me" to see how long it would take to make him a peanut butter sandwich. When he said "GO", I bombed up the stairs and whacked my foot against the side of the door, breaking my pinky toe. From that moment on, I was no longer a sucker for the old "I'll time you" hoax.

Age 8 - Concussion - I was sledding at Chemung Hill in Stoughton. I was at the bottom of the hill walking up and I started hearing kids yelling at me. When I looked up, I was face to face with a loaded toboggan of kids. It zipped by and plowed into my legs, throwing me in the air. I landed directly on my head. When I got up, I was seeing double and couldn't remember where I was.

Age 11 - I was playing tag football in the street with all the neighborhood kids. I started arguing with Brian O'Connell about a bad call. We ended up getting in a fight and I slugged him in the head, breaking my finger and giving him a big lump. I went home and told my mother I bent it back playing basketball. I felt horrible about it and finally told her the truth. Brian, if you read this, sorry about that -- I think I was out of bounds.

Age 12 - I was in Marshfield at my Aunt and uncle's house trying to do a handstand, but lost balance and fell funny. I broke 2 fingers.

Age 14 - I was playing Pop Warner football. I was running with the ball and someone tackled me, but their helmet went into my shin, breaking it in four places. I hobbled off the field and my coach yelled at me and told me to "Walk it off". They just don't make coaches like that anymore!

Age 19 - A college friend asked me if I wanted to play racquetball. I had never played, but made myself out to be a real pro. We went into the court and started playing, I dove for the ball and when I landed, the racket hit the floor and ricocheted back and hit me square in the middle of my forehead. I went to the hospital and got 4 stitches. What a racket.

Age 20 - I was in college and came home from a night out with my brothers on St.Patrick's Day. I didn't have my keys, so I knocked on my dorm room door. My roommate looked through the peephole and saw my face smushed up against it. He thought I was joking around, but when he opened the door, I came flopping in and the floor gave me an uppercut to the chin. I had to go to the hospital to get 9 stitches in my chin. Ah, St. Patrick's Day!